Tagged - Famous Five Tag (thanks Prerna!)

My good friend Prerna tagged me (link), and here is my reply:

5 Things In My Room
Which room? My bedroom, the front room, or MY room (meaning the computer room)? Since the bedroom is still being worked on, and when I'm at home I spend most of the time in my computer room, I'll choose that room:

1- Two computers, "Aditi" and "Uma". Aditi is my main computer, that I use for gaming, work, etc. Uma is my SSH box. I'm building a third computer to replace Aditi, which will probably be my last big computer project, which I'm naming Agni (who is the son of Aditi).
2- Backpacking and camping gear. Tents, sleeping bags, and all of my new ultralight gear that I've been building.
3- Sewing machine. I don't spend a lot of time with my sewing machine, but it has its own little desk and its there when I need it.
4- My Patrick O'Brian books, which are my most prized fiction books, all in a row on their own little shelf.
5- A little heater, that keeps my feet warm during these few cold months.

5 Things In My Pockets
Well, I don't really have a bag that I carry with me every day. Should I describe what is in my always-ready emergency backpacking bag, or what I carry in my pockets? I'll choose my pockets:

1- Keys. One house key, one workshop key, one storage shed key. I never leave anywhere without these. They always belong in my right pocket. Then my car key and remote, which hangs on a biner on my side belt loop.
2- USB flashdrive. with school assignments, plans and notes for Agni, a few encrypted files...
3- Helio Kickflip. My mobile phone and link to the world. It's a year an a half old, time to upgrade?
4- Gerber Firecracker. My flashlight, because you never know...
5- My wallet. Which I've recently cleaned out.

5 Things In My Wallet
Yikes!

1- Driver's License. Technically, the police don't want you to leave your house without it. Personally, I think the police suck.
2- Credit cards and debit card, though I only really use the one.
3- RFID tag for my work security door.
4- 60 rupees. Because I'm hoping I'll wake up someday in India and not here.
5- a little silver Gajalaxmi coin. There's a long story behind this, but I won't tell it here. I keep this coin right next to a photo of my wife.

That's it... is it? Prerna, you want more lists? Tell me..

It happens again!

So, I call up Comcast today to figure out what's going on with my billing... I spoke with a Spanish-speaking girl (Nancy) that barely had a handle on english who had a short fuse. I asked her to explain the bill to me, since it says three different things in three different places, and during the course of the call, she had to put me on hold 3 times and gave me a bunch of different stories.

So apparently, contrary to what the online bill states, I did NOT owe $210.13, but since it said that and I paid it, I got a big credit. Nice. Well, no not nice, it's rather stupid that their billing system can't be accurate enough to avoid this kind of confusion. There was also a $13.99 charge (as previously mentioned), which I learned was for a tech visit, who according to Nancy, came out to my house on 12/01 and disconnected the cable from the pole to my house. Funny how I never saw that tech, and there's no evidence of anyone tromping around in the snow... So I told her this and of course she argued with me... but I'm not gonna let it drop. I'm not in the habit of just handing out money to anyone that asks. So eventually, she spoke with a supervisor who told her to remove the charge.

Fine, that's good for that. But here's the bottom line as far as I'm concerned:

• Comcast screwed up my house, (BAD)
• But made good on getting it fixed, (GOOD)
• AFTER 2 months of headache, (BAD)
• AFTER I had to take it to the corporate level. (BAD)
• Comcast gave me a credit for the headache. (GOOD)
• Online billing still shows that I owe them money, resulting in me over-paying. (BAD)
• Online billing shows three different balances in three different places. (BAD)
• Customer service lied to me about a fictitious tech visit. (BAD)
• I was charged for said fictitious tech visit. (BAD)
• Charges for fictitious tech visit dropped. (GOOD)
• ONLY after I complained. (BAD)
• I'm getting charged $52/mth for a crappy 4MB connection with a crappy 300kbps uplink (BAD)
• with no documentation from Comcast showing these limits. (BAD)
• AND they're STILL traffic shaping my connection, (BAD)
• And lying to me about doing that. (BAD)

Let's do the math... GOOD = 3 and BAD = 12. Even if I didn't logically break it down like this, I'm still pretty upset over the whole mess. I SHOULD cancel my account. I probably will today or tomorrow, but the consequences suck: there's no high-speed competition in my area. It's either Qwest DSL or Comcast cable. Either way I still have to put up with crappy customer service, high service fees, and no guarantee of service. I'm screwed! Until we ever get fiber in this area, I'm left with cruddy choices...

Comcast: "It's Not Over!"

Just when I thought everything was said and done with Comcast and I thought I wouldn't have anymore headaches... they hit me again!

Let me give you the landscape from the last post up to this one: Comcast removed the cable box from my house, relocating it to the workshop wall, and recabled it all. They then agreed to pay to have the siding replaced, and I had someone come out and replace the siding. It looks great now.

Throughout all this, I didn't even touch my bill, telling them I'm not paying my bill until I'm satisfied with the reparations they've made.

That brings the story current. So at this point, I am satisfied, so I pay my bill, then call them up to have the TV service removed from my account. They actually tell me on the phone that they'll be sending out a tech to uninstall the cable from the cable box to my TV!! Of course, I tell them that's already been done (I have Dish now), and there's no need, and the representative argues with me, telling me it's required. Well, sure, for any other stupid customer that's possibly true. But I'm neither stupid nor planning to be a customer for much longer, so I tell the bonehead to pass the phone to his supervisor. 2 minutes later I'm talking to what I assume is a supervisor, whom I request to review my account, make the necessary change, and NOT to dispatch a tech, because my house is the way it was before they screwed it up and I do not want anyone else touching it. He curtly agrees to that, then hangs up.

Here's the current clincher: I just reviewed my account online and the following items jumped out at me:

-It does NOT reflect my payment, still shows a $210 balance.
-The 'Recent Activity' DOES reflect my payment. Why the inconsistency?
-It shows a $13.99 downgrade fee, which nobody told me about when I requested the downgrade.
-I called to talk to someone about all this - oh, and I'm definitely not paying a downgrade fee: not only did they FAIL to tell me about the fee when I requested the downgrade, but I'm not seeing any reference to it in the ToS... so Fuck you Comcast, I'm not taking it in the ass from you again. Anyways, so when I call, it says I have a $196 credit on my account! WTF!

So, what's going on Comcast? You're not happy satisfying a customer? You gotta beat us all into submission? Or you just can't get your web of lies to match up?

Two weeks. That's how long it's going to take me to resolve this whole mess, then cancel my account, assholes.

Cops = Bad

In response to the recent incident of a man pulled over for speeding, who was tazered by an over-zealous cop (here's the link), I have this to say:

So, this and other recently reported incidents with our neighborhood police forces leave me with the questions: where will we be in the next 5 years?

Should we all stay home in complete fear that breathing funny is gonna get us beat down or arrested by the police? Whether Mr Massey was right or wrong is not the real issue, the real issue is that of the behavior of Officer Gardner, and I, for one, am of the opinion that he acted wrong. After repeatedly viewing the video, I cannot see a single point in time when he did anything right, and this is what the real issue is:

How an officer responds to ANY incident is COMPLETELY determined by not only his training, but how much we, as the public (and the funding source of the police) let them get away with, and finally, that officer's perception of the public and/or the person he's dealing with. An officer that already has a bad attitude towards the public will be a more efficient writer of tickets and instigator of 'situations' like this. So is it any question why most cops are confrontational?

NO cop should be given a free pass to hostility, no matter how many legitimate criminals they deal with daily. Cops are part of society, and thus should be conditioned and trained as such, or else we will never step off this continually down-ward spiraling path into chaos that we're on.

The police should not be an occupying army of our land, nor should they be a separate entity from the public. They should be exactly as we are, citizens, with no special rights, or the ability to side-step the laws that we see them side-step everyday.

The whole system needs to be examined and fixed.

...waiting...

The worst part about sending Seema back to India for Diwali isn't the saying goodbye, isn't the time spent alone, it's the waiting. The final few hours that pass so slowly, every moment an anxious anticipation, butterflies-in-the-stomach, impatience that drags on endlessly.

Not knowing where she is, or when, or what is the worst. I can't sleep, I'm too restless to stick to any task, and everything I do seems pointless! 24 hours from now she should be home, but it's just too long to wait. I'm crazy with anticipation.

Seema, come home!!

So Far So Good

So, yesterday, Kerry from Comcast came out with my area tech and some guys from the original contractor came out as scheduled at 1 PM. They had me repeat the situation and what I'd like to happen, then Kerry made his suggestion, which in writing is complicated and difficult to explain, but seeing it, is actually rather simple. Their only worry was ensuring the cable is longer than the ground wire, and I suggested just leaving a few loops of extra cable inside the house, and that should work fine. They agreed, and then proceeded to do it. And this is the result:



Kerry also left his card and instructed me to send him the bid for the siding work, and Comcast will reimburse me.

Is There Hope?

So, here's the current situation with Comcast: After my carpet bomb email yesterday, I recieved a call from the escalations department asking if they could send out a tech that same night. Unfortunately, I had class, and was unable to make it, but they said "That's ok, we'll work something out." Then a few minutes later, I recieved a call from someone else who confirmed a time with me (1PM today) when they'd come out, remove their equipment, replace my siding, and re-install the equipment on a pole next to my house. He gave me some song-and-dance about the ground wire needing to be 'short' (even though Comcast grounded the cable to the power meter, which isn't truly grounded). I decided to be a nice guy and keep quiet, even though I know the truth about grounding.

Then, believe it or not, I got a voicemail from the Area VP of Comcast, apologizing for the problems, and stating that it'll be fixed. He then gave me his mobile phone number, email address, etc.

This is cool. I have hope that this mistake will be fixed. They might replace my siding, plant a pole (and hopefully ground that pole, if they're so concerned about grounding), and make good on their mistake.

But what does this change? Next time I have a problem with anything, will Comcast get it taken care of? If I have to go through customer service or technical support, I doubt it. And what about everyone else out there that has these similar problems? I'm not like most people, I don't just 'give up' when a problem gets difficult or complicated, I stick with it, even if it means carpet bombing corporate comcast with emails like what I sent. But not everyone is so lucky.

And I can see why Comcast would take such a reactive stance: in order to avoid bad publicity and present a good image, they'll fix this mistake, knwing that I'll post it on my blog, and the web, and post how happy I am and how I'm going to continue service with them... but really, where's my motivation? And how does this FIX the real problem? It doesn't. This shouldn't have happened in the first place, and fixing it, while nice, doesn't change their policy, or make the escalation path any easier for me or anyone else. The bottom line is this: nothing changed, or will change, and I'm still not convinced to stay with Comcast.

What would make me stay? Fair and reasonable pricing, fair and reasonable EULAs, and getting the support I'm paying for, not the canned customer service and multi-day/week/month turnaround for problems and service outages. So, yes, I'm shopping around for alternatives. Comcast may be the ONLY (read = monopoly) cable provider here, and Qwest may be the ONLY (read = monopoly) DSL provider, but there's other, much-less known alternatives, such as wireless, fiber (whenever it comes into the area), and I'm not required to do business with any of the big companies like comcast or qwest.

I'll post an update after 1PM.

The Evil Overlords

So... today the contractor for comcast came out... took a look at the box and mess of wires, and refused to do anything. Wouldn't even just remove it all from the side of the house and let me deal with the rest. Whatever man... He's a contractor, and just following the instructions of his bosses (Comcast). So at this point, I'm putting the final touches on me carpet-bomb email that I'm about to send to all the top executives of Comcast...

More in the Comcast Saga

So...during my previous call, Comcast told me that someone would contact me within 72 hours about my dispute. Of course, nobody did. So I called back yesterday, and was told that my dispute was opened incorrectly. OF COURSE IT WAS. Did I really expect Comcast to do a quality job?

So she fixes it. Then wants to transfer me... grrr... so she transfers me and I get a girl named Princess, who says she wants to get this resolved! YEAH RIGHT!! So she asked me some questions and said she'd call me back within an hour. She didn't, but some tech does, and he says he can come out to take a look at the damage and 'fix' it. I reminded him of the certified letter that I sent them and the deadline for Wednesday included in it, and he actually says to me (mind you, this was Monday when we spoke), "Well, we're NOT OPEN tuesdays, but I can come out any other time." So I set up Wednesday at 10:30 AM. He actually asked me what tools he needs to bring. I'm fine with that, but I really doubt that he has some spare siding in the same color as mine, or has the right equipment to locate the electrical short they caused, but we'll see. I have before and after pics, and if the back of my house doesn't look exactly as it did in the before pic, then they didn't do the job. This means, no sealing holes with silicone, Comcast!

Stay tuned...

Comcast = evil stupidity

So I wake up this morning and comcast finally disabled my connection. No internet. Suxxor. So I call them up, and they say it's been disabled due to non-payment. I told the guy that the last girl I spoke with advised that it wouldn't be shut off until this dispute with them has been resolved, and he said "oh well, no go, buddy." So I'm stuck without internet access. No biggie, actually...

But the thing that gets me is that he claimed there was no dispute opened! What a bunch of assholes!! So I tell him to open a dispute, got the case number, and then I ended the call. I'm pretty pissed. I contacted my home insurance company and am definitely going to pursue some legal route to get this resolved. I'm tired of the 'big company' bullshit.

New Project

Among the vast array of other projects I'm tackling, I added another.

Well,a ctually, I got my hands on a jewel: a Nintendo Wii. Woohoo! I'm using it to have fun gaming, but also to get into shape, and get healthy. And that's the goal: lose 15 pounds by the end of the year, and my Wii is at the center of the project.

Read all about it in my new blog: http://starkat-wii.blogspot.com/

Comcast... I hate them, and here's why

Ok, I just moved into a house, my first home. One of the first things, I do, of course, is want to get my connection to the internet connected so I can be online again... So I call comcast to come out and hook me up. The state of the 'connection' at that point was there's an overhead line coming in from the back of my property to my house, where it's connected to a filter that's screwed into my siding, which then goes into the house at a single point.

So I wait... and wait... and finally comcast techs come out and take a look at the whole thing and say "Ok, let's get to work." Before they started, however, I told them I didn't want a box installed, and they said "It's required, it's the law!", so I kindly told them that if that's the case, and they simply MUST install a box, they're allowed to plant a pole and mount the box to the pole, or bolt the box to my foundation, but I DO NOT want a box installed on the side of my house. They agreed then got started. Then, when they were done, they had me sign the paper, then got out of there pretty fast, and that got me thinking... so I went around and looked, and sure enough, the jerks mounted a box RIGHT TO THE SIDE OF MY HOUSE! CONTRARY to my instructions. I'm upset, no I'm beyond upset, I'm livid. So I call comcast and tell them what happened, and the rude little girl I spoke with told me that's not something that she can do anything about and said she was going to transfer me, and put me on hold and then... of course... the line disconnected. So I decided to simmer down.

Well, my connection was fine.. kind of... aside from the random disconnects throughout the day (only happens during daylight hours), everything works as it did before I moved. I take that back, everything was exactly the same except now we have less than half the channels we had before we moved... Same 'basic cable' rate, but half the channels. That includes the incessant 'noise' on the comcast WAN (ask me to see my firewall logs, and you'll see what I mean). Well, I decide to just live with the disconnects, and while it's a real annoyance, it's not something I should really get twisted up about... I mean come on... you know how tough it is to get Comcast to get anything fixed? But my wife was upset that she didn't have some of her favorite channels, and so I called Comcast, who told me that the channels I have now are what I'm supposed to have, and whatever I had before was not part of basic cable, and oh well, I just must deal with it.

But, I'm still really upset. A week after the crappy installation, I called Comcast again, and I tell them that I'm not paying my bill until they fix the problem that they caused (mounting the box to my house) and I casually mentioned the random disconnects and the loss of all the channels. I also referred to my previous call and ask him to check the notes and he said there was no previous call, so the idiot girl I spoke with before FAILED to note my account regarding that call. Suffice it to say, I'm pretty steaming mad by this point. He told me that he doesn't know what to do about the channels, but that on basic cable I should have these channels (and mentioned a list), which matched what I had BEFORE, and that I'll have to talk with billing to get everything sorted out, so I say, fine... and he transfers me to billing, who says there's nothing they can do, and they're unwilling to do anything until my bill is paid. Well, damn you, I'm not paying my bill until you do something about this mess you made. They casually passed the buck, like they do best, and then disconnected the call.

Well, I've been getting all these past due notices in the mail, and then finally today, I get a nice automated call saying that my service will be disconnected and I need to call comcast as soon as possible. So I call them... ugh...

The First Guy I speak with first asks me for my name and address, and I give him my name and tell him he doesn't need my address... and he tells me that there's multiple accounts associated with my phone number. GREAT, some jack-off out there is stealing my information and Comcast doesn't think it's important to notify me. Then he tells me that there's nothing wrong with my account and it doesn't look like I'll be disconnected like the message stated. I told him everything: I want to get the box off my house, and Comcast needs to pay for repairs to the holes they made in my house; I want the random disconnect issue fixed; I don't want to deal with the unsolicited incoming connection attempts to my network any more, and I want all those channels I had before back. He first starts out by saying my modem is online and the status is good (funny that he says that, since I know my IP address and it's TIMING OUT, thank you). Then, the guy says to me that in order to get the box off my house I need to talk to a damage claims center and have them send out an assessor, and in order to get the disconnect issue fixed, I'd need to have a tech sent out, and for the network noise, I'd need to talk to someone on some networking support team, and for the channels, I'd need to talk to someone that supports cable tv. I'm like "What? Why don't you guys just take responsibility for your customers and help me, after all that's what I'm paying for right?" And of course, he gives me some excuse... so I completely understand that all he wants to do is frustrate me by killing my brain with the transfer game, so I give in.. and he says he's gonna transfer me to ~mumblemumble~ and then I get the on-hold music.

Next person. She is high speed support, so I tell her the problem, and bitch a little about all the other problems, and she says, well, let's get a tech out to help you with the random disconnect issue... she begins by baby stepping me through all the bullshit excuses they usually give, like check your computer, check your router, etc etc etc, you know, the lame crap they tell you just to get you off the phone. I tell her I'm a networking professional and know how to troubleshoot and my modem disconnects even if there's nothing plugged into it's ethernet port, and since my incoming cable is overhead and comes through some trees I'm pretty sure the problem is with that line, so how about just sending out a tech to troubleshoot that line? So she schedules a tech then I ask her if she can help me with any of the other issues. Of course, she says NO, and says she can't transfer me cause she's not on the comcast phone system (wtf is that anyways), but that she noted my account with all of my complaints, so if I call back I should be able to get some help. Great.

So I call back. Cause I'm really pissed about having that damn box on my house, and I'm told that the claims department doesn't take incoming calls and I retort with "So how can they help the customer?" to which I'm told that a case can be opened in my name and they'll call me back. So I say, go ahead open a case.... so after being on hold for 5 minutes the guy comes back and says "Ok, I've opened a case, and someone will call me shortly to set up a time when they can come out and assess the damage to my property. I asked for a case number, and the stupid moron actually says to me "The claims department doesn't use case numbers, if you need to call back, just refer to your phone number." Awesome... I don't even think the bonehead actually opened a case. So I tell him that if I don't hear back from someone by next Friday, I'll just file a claim with my home insurance company and I'll notify the BBB that Comcast is pissing on me, and he says "Hey, whatever makes you happy, man..." So anyways, I ask him about the channel lineup. And he says to me "Tell me each and every channel that you have..." Like I'm supposed to remember?!? I'm NOT EVEN HOME! Like MOST people, I WORK for a living! I tell him I don't know since I'm not home and as an estimate I get the basic local stations, Discovery, History, and a bunch of lame spanish tv and 3 shopping channels. He actually says to me that I should be getting TNT and TBS and a few others with basic cable, and I tell him that I've heard 3 different stories regarding what I should and shouldn't be getting, and by this time I'm willing to stop giving comcast any money at all until they figure out what the REAL story is. So I asked him what I should do, and he said that he can have a tech sent out... I told him I ALREADY have a tech coming and he said it doesn't matter, they'd have to schedule another tech... sheesh... I tell him to forget it, that I'll just live with it until I get sick of it and cancel service and go with a competitor. So he hangs up on me. Thanks.

Addendum: During one of the previous calls I made to comcast, a tech told me that in basic cable I should have channels 1-20 and 60-100. Interestingly enough, HBO is listed as channel 6. Does this mean HBO is part of basic cable? Why can't they just get their stories straight?

Old Letter

I found this letter in an old archive folder, and thought I'd post it here. This was written at a time after Seema and I were married, when I sent her back to India to help her family. Her dad had 3 small heart attacks, and required surgery, but refused to do it. I knew that if she went, he would not be able to refuse.

Here it is:

To My Dearest Seema

'If' is a term used in uncertainty. When spoken by a poet, it is nothing more than a fanciful possibility, and when spoken by the romantic, is a prelude to a dream. I reached that 'dream' state, Seema, when I first saw you, walking out of the airplane, the first time you ever came to the US. It was a dream, a possibility, and from the moment I first held your hand until now, that dream became reality. This is the greatest and happiest time of my life, when I am with you. Until this morning, I had no real idea of what peace could really be. And now, I live in a semi-state of dreaming, while I am away from you; if I close my eyes I see us.

'If' is a term used when one envisions a possibility that he is not sure he will ever see in reality. There once was a time when I only thought in 'ifs'. And as dreams are explained by 'ifs', so is reality explained by 'whens'. Now, Seema, my life is enriched by these many 'whens'.

If I had faith enough that the night-time stars could grant the greatest wish, then tomorrow I would open my eyes, and see you - I would hold open my arms to you and would vow that I would never leave, that I would never let you go. And I would stand by you through thick and thin, through the happiest times and those not so happy times, throughout forever.

I know the stars have not such a great power, but there is a power greater by far that is in my heart, and that is the love that I feel for you. I have no need for star-lit wishes, because this love shapes my life. And soon, when you return from helping your father, I know we will both be happier.

When that time comes, I will hold out my arms to you, with such a happy smile, and you will jump into them. When we're together, Seema, I will vow that I will never leave, and that I will never let you go. And from that moment on, my heart will be as happy - and more! - as it is whenever I hold your hand or share a sacred kiss. And I will stand by you through thick and thin, through the happiest times and through those that are sad, throughout forever.

If you ever doubt my love for you, close you eyes and remember the times we've had so far, and the love that's in my heart that I try so hard to show you. And think about the times to come. Those joyful times ahead may be dreams now, but will soon be realities, for they are no longer 'ifs', but 'whens'.

Seema, I love you! Now, and always!

Justin

Alchemy Exists.

If you know anything about me, you know I love nature. Green forest, blue ocean, white sky, red desert - they all hold special significance and extraordinary beauty in my eye. I know I'm not the only one to observe this, but have you ever noticed how there's always some special place that you just connect with perfectly? Maybe a tree, or a secluded spot in the park, or a bend in a trail, etc

Well, I think that is love. It is that tree or rock or bird or that something there in that place expressing love for you. There's no mysticism, no strange magical forces at work, just something natural loving you back.

And that is alchemy.

Cold Dreary Monday

It's been raining the entire weekend. I wouldn't even mention it, but it rarely rains much these days, and any rain is entirely welcome!

I began the weekend on Friday night tearing up the carpet in my front room. Seema helped me as much as I'd let her (getting down into the sharp tacks and nails just isn't a job for a girl.. and the thought of her getting cut bothers me), and I finally gave up around 3AM with nothing left to do but remove some sections of tack strips.

The end result: Front Room: After

The sun was a warm welcome to Saturday, but I was putting off mowing the grass... it was predicted to rain and if it would rain I'd rather spend the day getting the walls ready to paint. Seema and I had made a trip to the hardware store to buy all the supplies we'd need to paint, and then it began to rain.

This was great rain - the cold forceful autumn-time rain I love to listen to, smell, breathe, live, and even write about, as if you've read any of my older blogs, you'd know... And the rain didn't stop...

Sunday morning. Quiet comfort. Warm bed. Seema holding my hand, asleep. Marcello curled up in the space between us. Diffuse sunlight. I got out of bed reluctant. I had left all the windows in the house open to welcome in the scents and sounds of the autumn evening, and so the house was cold when I woke up. Seema grabbed the phone, and started to play some game, completely unwilling to leave the warmth of the bed. Marcello had come after me, hoping I'd give him some toast or something, but, sensing I had no such intention, he jumped back up into bed, and stared at me. Dog's life in my house in the cold rainy days: warm food, warm bed, and everything else is cold.

So, now it's Monday morning. I had a job interview that was postponed until tomorrow, and I'm left with mundane tasks: pending schoolwork (that's due tonight), continuing with the painting of the front room, and if the weather clears and warms enough, the grass still needs to be mowed.

So far, it's a cold dreary monday. The best kind of monday...

Long Time No See

Yeah I don't blog much lately. I haven't had time, been so busy with school and work and personal projects and everything else. It's crazy. But I thought I should start now, it might help me focus on something, something in particular. Let me 'splain.

I realized yesterday that I really am something of an asshole. Even when I'm not in 'angry man' mode, I bet I still come across as rather angry and intense. Yeah there's a lot of stupid people out there that I have to deal with, and I have a rather low tolerance for stupidity, but maybe I need to lighten up. Maybe it's time I shed my 'angry man' mode. Maybe it's time just calm down and enjoy everything, like I used to. Maybe I should start now.

So here's a resolution solidified in my mind: not to be so angry.

First impression is that should be a really easy thing to accomplish, but think about it and you'll realize it's not so easy. I didn't even have any clue where to begin, but I made a little list and I'm gonna do my best to stick with it:

• Calm down and relax my mind.
• Practice yoga exercises.
• Stop using profanities.
• Don't hold grudges.
• Try to think carefully about everything that I say.
• Drive slower.

I made a copy of this list and will carry it in my wallet, and put it on the dash of my car. I'm gonna do my best to keep up with this, and might even add more items later on if I find anything else that I think fits it.

Morning Meditation

I don't enjoy windy mornings very much, and when I stepped out of the apartment building this morning, I could tell the trees didn't like it either. They angrily grumbled and argued about the state of affairs. Trees have different accents: the tall fir tree outside of my balcony, like a classical Japanese geisha, spoke in whispers, bowing to the other trees before she spoke; the tall oak grumbled and moaned, gesturing wildly about and displaying the wind-disheveled looks to everyone about, like an old cantankerous man cursing the world just for the sake of it.

Above, the sky was mottled with cloud. I looked straight up and could only see 2 stars, bright ones at that, who peeked through the dim quilty clouds like a distant flashlight held against a thin curtain.

It was cold enough that I realized I needed my sweater - it's a good thing I brought it - and I pulled it over my head quickly, almost dislodging my glasses in the process, but recovering in time. I pulled the collar of my brown button-up shirt through the neck, doing my best to fold it back into position to present a respectable appearance. I kept watch for the bus, and it was dark enough that I squinted against the few headlights that pointed my way.

Finally, it came. I flashed my pass, and dropped thankfully down into my regular seat. The heater was on. It came through the vent along the baseboard, keeping one foot toasty warm (I wore my sandals), and I shuffled the other over so that it too could absorb as much of the heat as possible. Only partially successful, my left foot was close enough that the cold was warded off, but that was good enough. Through the window, I squinted at the dim dusky morning horizon. It's the kind of horizon that when you look at it, you knot up inside and realize that all you want to do is go straight back to bed and hide under the covers for another hour or two; because coffee at this time of the morning is simply unpleasant. Someone had painted that line of clouds a slight pink, giving the morning a delicate quality - in less than an hour the full sun would be up and out and glaring its way down upon me uninvited.

My phone beeped. I scrambled to turn it off. Some unwarranted text message, of course. I looked up to see the other regulars looking in my direction, and I realized that to them, this morning bus ride is as much of a meditation as it is to me. It's a time of quiet relaxation, a way to ease into the day without the raucousinterruption of celphones or conversations or disturbances. I could close my eyes and sleep, or contemplate how nice it is to sit down and not worry about a thing for the next 30 minutes, at which time the most important thing will simply be to transfer my sleepy self from the bus to the train.

And at the platform, today it hits me - this is when I wake up. No longer is my mind allowed to wander. The train rumbles up like some aged beast also awoken from its slumber, and as it approaches, grumbles out a slow warning that day is coming and the ride within its belly won't be as peaceful as the bus.

And it wasn't. Schoolkids, many of them, all talking at once, all with an opinion that simply must be expressed. Loud, obnoxious, annoying. I close my eyes against the assault of senses, and try my best to turn off my ears, but I'm only partially successful. I'll let the short train-ride scrub the remainder of my sleepy peace from my head, by the time I reach work, I'll be ready.

life is all about what you see, what you feel - your senses. Everyday you wake up and there you are and you take that for granted. There are those times, though, when all of a sudden time stops, and you forget yourself, and there you are, lsot in a moment of sensation. A leaf falling from a tree in autumn. The smooth cool comfort of bedsheets in the early morning. The taste of lemonade on a very hot day. The quiet fragrance of your wife's perfume. The blue of the sky. You just see it, touch it, it's there and just won't go away - until you look away, or are distracted. And that's the moment that everything is true. That's worth a million moments of complete normalcy, because you'll take that with you, forever. Even when your memory is gone, you'll still have that. That's what I live for.

And it's all an expression.

Who am I?

She sees me, and smiles. So gentle, she eases all my fears. We stood once, hand in hand, and vowed never to part. She sees me, and smiles. She listens to all that I have to say, and understands. We stood once, together at last, and our hearts beat as one. She is the one that is my sky, she is the sea. She is the fire, and the earth below me. She is the heart, within my heart, and the love within my soul. Without her, I would fade and die. Without her, who am I?

She is the one who stands by me, she is the one I love. We will stand again, together at last, holding a child in our arms. This is hope for the future, this is the truth within. And I am just a man, just me. But I am also the vessel of her love, and together, we are one.

Seema, you are my life, my sun and moon!

Simple Prayer, Complex Sentiment

Dear God,

I know you can hear me, you answer my prayers so many times. You are amused when I ask for trivial things, and are happy when I show true thanks for what you have given me.

I pray often for the basic things people pray for. And when I do, I try to ponder upon these things, so that you can see they do carry weight in my mind and life. But every once in a while, something worries me, and I always ask for thy help and do so with greater focus. Like now.

Oh Lord, grant me the wisdom to see beyond the decisions that are in front of me, and understand the ones I've made before. Grant me with heart-felt peace, that I may regard my fellows with serenity, and approach each situation in life with renewed energy. Bless me with patience, that I may understand the thoughts of my wife, and always appreciate everything that she does for me. Please, God, bless her with thy protection while she is away in India, that no physical harm may come upon her, and that she can live in the knowledge of thy guidance and thy love.

Bless her to understand my frustration at our separation, and to understand that is the source for many of our problems. But please bless her with guidance in her goals, that she will easily find a house that suits our needs, and a short-term job.

Please, Lord, give her the strength to avoid discouragement, and the understanding that open communication is essential to growth in our relationship. Please remove the obstacles from our path, that we can be together again soon, in harmony, peace, and prosperity.

I do not ask thy help in this regard lightly. I know there is a great deal of stress in my life, and in hers. I do not like fighting with her, and truly just want to see her again.

Please guide us and protect us. Even though this is extremely difficult for me, I'm trying my best to be strong. Thank you for lending me strength.